But which one has the best parties?

[naomikritzer]

My grandmother, who turns 82 later this month, mentioned to my parents about a week ago that she has decided that she should probably move into an assisted living community. She lives in Ohio, but would like to move to a community up here: I live here (along with Ed, Molly, and Kiera); my sister springbok1 lives in town; my parents live here about half the time. She initially said that she'd be ready to do it a year from now, but in a conversation a few days later it sounded like she was hoping to move by the end of the year.

I was really surprised to hear this. I had figured she would never voluntarily move out of her house.

So for the last couple of days, I have been calling up assisted living and independent living facilities.

What boggles my mind a bit is the variety. I had figured that "assisted living" would mean something fairly specific. It doesn't. Neither does "independent living," or "senior housing with services." There is no going rate (I've heard prices ranging from $950 a month to $3000 a month). There is no consistent menu of services. But hardest of all is trying to gauge the feel -- the personality of each place -- over the phone.

These aren't nursing homes, just to be clear. (Those are called "skilled nursing facilities" now.) Though there are places that ride the line -- there's a nursing home in town that advertises under assisted living because they rent little suites where you have a private room with your own bathroom and a lounge area; there's also an assisted living place that does much more of the medication management and personal care than most other assisted living places.

Anyway, the process reminds me of choosing a college. I knew the basic environment I wanted (a competetive liberal arts school) and beyond that, I wanted a place with a personality I liked, a group of students I found congenial. It helps, with colleges, that they try to show their personalities up front. (One somewhat extreme example: a school in Missouri sent me a brochure that looked like a giant postcard with text that said "Dear Friend -- Gosh, summer's going GREAT! My tan looks awesome, and it's just party, party, party all the time! Wanna come visit? Your friend, Mindy." No, I didn't visit Mindy.) Retirement communities do give some clues -- some have pictures of golfers and give off a country club sort of air just from the ads, for instance. But by and large, they try to sound like they're going to be all things to all people and ANYONE would be happy there.

My grandmother is a sweet lady who will make the best of any situation she finds herself in. But she'll be happier if she's around people who enjoy similar things: she likes walks and Bible study, dogs and gardening, people with a sense of humor. She's not into Bingo, though I'm sure some of her friends play. I don't think she's ever set foot in a casino in her life, and she never played golf, though back when my grandfather was alive, she used to love going camping, canoeing, and fishing with him.

Anyway. I've made a bunch of preliminary phone calls; next, I'm going to schedule some tours, since you can't really know what a place is like (or if the food is edible) without going in person. We're not going to choose for my grandmother -- we're going to try to winnow it down to maybe three places, so that Grammie can visit a manageable number, and make her choice from there.

Comments

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

My grandparents, who were about 5 years younger than that, moved into a nursing home property thing three years ago, and really liked it. They were all still okay in the 'real world' but at the same time realistic enough to know that it might not last much longer, so they picked a place that has
'independent living facilities' (houses where they cook and clean, but anything major gets handled by nursing home staff (mowing, repairs, etc, like a hyperactive condo management group)) as well as the more traditional options, so that they wouldn't ever have to leave the facility/people they already knew if their health failed a little or a lot.

My grandfather apparently was worried about my grandmother, and wanted to make sure she was somewhere with friends should anything happen to him, and when he died in October, this turned out to be a very good thing--she had a nice support network already in place. I hope your grandmother is as lucky in finding a nice place to live.

[naomikritzer]

The "continuum of care," in which higher levels of care are available on site, is something I consider a strong plus. Not necessarily an actual full-fledged nursing home, but some of these places offer "care suites" you can move into temporarily while recovering from an illness or injury, and also have a higher level of services (home health care, medication management) available if you need them.

[naomikritzer]

One place sent me a menu. The food looks awful: one meal option consisted of fish -- just "fish" -- and stewed tomatoes. I like fish, but I generally consider it a bad sign when they don't tell me what kind I'm eating.

My mother noted that my grandmother has lower standards for food than me, though. And since right now she's eating lots and lots of turkey luncheon meat sandwiches on white bread with iceberg lettuce (she doesn't like to cook for just herself) almost anything will probably be an improvement, nutritionally. Still, I agree. I want her to have good food.

[swords-and-pens.livejournal.com]

Not sure if they do this (for legal or privacy reasons), but consider talking to families of some of the people who are living at the places you are looking at. Find out their impressions of the place, if they would recommend it to someone else, if *they* would like to live there when they get to that point in life, etc. Basically, referrals to the immediate family.

And, of course, if you can, talk to the people who actually live there. :)

[naomikritzer]

I'm doing that when possible/practical. I found out last night that my sister's ex-boyfriend-with-whom-she's-still-friends has or had a grandmother in one of the places I'm going to visit.

[lynnal.livejournal.com]

My grandparents lived at Becketwood for ten years. They decided to move to an apartment after Grandmy fell and broke her arm, and the stairs were getting hard for both of them. Becketwood is on West River Road and 42nd St. They had lived in the neighborhood just north of it for 40 years, so they felt like they weren't leaving familiar people and places. Obviously, it won't have that advantage for your grandmother.

Amenties: It has garden space available (raised beds). If your grandmother really wants to garden a lot, the community garden is two blocks away on 42nd Ave. There is a bird sanctuary with walking paths on the property, and it is right next to the river walking trails. There are LOTS of churches in the neighborhood. The site has a chapel, but I don't know if it is still used as such.

It has been about six years since my grandparents moved to another facility with more assistance available, so the people may have changed. They made a lot of friends at Becketwood. Grandmy was involved with the library, and Grandad served on the board. It is a cooperative, not a private business. The dining room does a good job with meals, and they have a nice community room that residents can reserve for parties. My family had a lot of birthday parties there. Residents can get cleaning and laundry services if they need them. When my grandparents moved in, they were in pretty good health and didn't use the services much. Then Grandad had a heart attack and Grandmy broke her hip and they were really glad to use all the optional things.

Give me a call if you want more details.
Lynn at 612-418-9241

[naomikritzer]

I checked out Becketwood because it's literally walking distance from my house. However, it has a two to three YEAR waiting list to get in, and that alone makes it unsuitable for my grandmother at this point. She doesn't need something by next week, but I think a twelve-month waiting list would be the absolute longest I'd want to consider.

It looks like a really nice place, though. My parents should totally move there when THEY need an apartment with some help available.

[light-of-estel.livejournal.com]

Well I hope you manage to find her a suitable place after the touring has happened, and hopefully the food there is in fact edible.

At any rate I am planning to pick up Freedom's Gate soon, and saw a link to your page here ala Amazon.com, so I thought I'd drop by and say hi, mayhaps add you as well so I can check back in from time to time. Looking forward to reading your book.

~Estel~

[naomikritzer]

Cool! Thank you!

[hilarymoonmurph.livejournal.com]

Naomi --

My sympathies. Andy and I went through this whole experience twice this year. We started looking for assisted living for Jackie, but her disease was so aggressive we had to switch before we even thought about moving into a search of nursing homes.

Ask lots of questions, tour the places, and see for yourself. Some places look great in brochure and lousy in person. The one we selected had a lousy brochure, but when we toured it, it outshone the others. (It's not what you need though... Jackie scored a 17 on an 18 point disability scale. :( She is severely, severely disabled. The only thing that still works is her wonderful mind.)

Hmm

[naomikritzer]

I read about Jackie in your LJ. :-( How absolutely horrible, for all of you, to have her body fail her so completely.

My MIL died last fall; last summer, Ed and I spent a little bit of time looking for assisted living facilities for her. She was in a skilled nursing facility but very unhappy there. There was no privacy; she had to share a room, and her roommate watched TV all day long with the volume turned way up. We were not able to find anything in her area with the services she needed.

Assisted living

[(Anonymous)]

Hi,

I'm not sure what your grandma's tastes or budget parameters are, but our family has been mostly pleased with Presbyterian Homes (Bloomington branch) in the Twin Cities. It's got that continuum of care model that ranges from nothing all the way to skilled nursing and "memory care" (the current euphemism for Alzheimer's or dementia care). It's a newish campus, and we've found the staff to be caring and responsive.

On the downside, it's farther than I'd like from where we live in Mpls, but even that isn't too bad, as caring for an elderly parent can begin to encroach on all your free time (there's always something else you could be doing for them...) unless you set some limits.

The number for Pres Homes is 952 948 3000. If you'd like to talk to me, this is Sara, Sophie's mom from preschool. You can find my number on the old student list.

Good luck with the search. As you point out, without any clear standards, it's difficult to wade through all the choices.

Re: Assisted living

[naomikritzer]

Hi Sara! Thanks for the info. I may give them a call.