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naomikritzer...with Lisa, her daughter Sara, and Sara's classmate Adam.
On Monday, Lisa and her husband met with Sara's teacher, the principal, and the school social worker.
They assured Sara's parents right away that they had met with Adam's mother (she's a single mom) and that she was very willing to work with them to correct the problem.
They had met with Adam and he had admitted to what he had done and was remorseful. They had shown him, using a doll, what types of touching were considered to be "inappropriate" and made it clear that he would be "in trouble" if he engaged in any such behavior again.
The teacher had instituted a red/green "Stop/Go" sign on the bathroom door, to use as a signal for when the classroom bathroom was occupied. She had talked with the students about the concept of "privacy" and made it clear that students were to "give each other privacy" when they were in the bathroom. Only one student will be allowed in the bathroom at any time. Now that all students are potty-trained this rule will be easier to enforce.
Lisa and her husband will work with Sara at home to help her feel comfortable shouting "NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! I DON'T LIKE THAT!" if anyone touches her in a way she doesn't like. Her teachers will reassure her that she will not be reprimanded for using her words to defend herself. She may go to her teachers at any time to ask for help and will not be reprimanded for interrupting them. The school social worker will also talk with Sara to reinforce these messages.
The teacher feels that Adam is not being abused at home; she knows him to be a very physical, outgoing, curious child who struggles with poor impulse control.
After the meeting, Lisa called the National Child Abuse hotline, to get their perspective. The woman she talked to there assured her that Lisa and her husband were doing all the right things, and gave her some additional book titles of things they can read to Sara to reinforce the messages. She also suggested some other things they could request from the school:
* that Adam be moved to another preschool classroom
* that Adam be required to undergo therapy to address the inappropriate behavior, regardless of whether or not it was caused by poor impulse control.
* if Adam is not moved to another classroom, that he and Sara be kept apart at all times, and certainly that he be kept from touching her.
* they could encourage Sara to stay away from Adam and to report him to the teacher if he will not stay away from her.
* they could band together with other parents in the classroom as it is likely that Sara is not the only one with whom Adam has behaved inappropriately.
Lisa decided to talk to the teacher and possibly the principal today to let them know that if Sara and Adam are to be kept in the same classroom, then they expect that every precaution will be taken to ensure that they are kept apart; furthermore, if it should happen that they do come in contact with each other at any time, then they want to be informed of such contact in writing. If it is not possible for the teachers to keep Adam and Sara apart, then they want Adam moved to another preschool classroom.
They don't want to make life harder for Adam than it has to be, nor do they want to pin a reputation on him as a "bad" or "sick" child. If they run into too much resistence with trying to get him moved, and calling DYFS doesn't help, they may simply try instead to get Sara moved, or failing that, they will pull her out.
Also -- I wasn't sure where in the update to put this -- Lisa did talk to Sara again, about privacy in the bathroom, the Red/Green sign, etc. With no prompting from Lisa, Sara said, "You mean Adam can't come in anymore?" They discussed good and bad touching, and Sara said (again, unprompted) that when Adam hugged her, he hugged too tight, and it hurt. Lisa talked about body parts that no one is allowed to touch, starting with bathing suit areas like her chest, and Sara interrupted to add "and like my bagina and my bottom like when Adam touched me in the bathroom." Lisa asked, "Adam touched your bottom?" and Sara said, "He touched me on my poopy place."
Lisa told Sara that if anybody ever touched her in a way she didn't like she should shout, "NO! I DON'T LIKE THAT! STOP TOUCHING ME!" and that she would not get in trouble for raising her voice. Incredulously: "Even though it's not polite?" Lisa assured her that her teacher had said so. She said that if such a thing happened, she should RUN to her teacher and tell her, and that she would not get in trouble for interrupting. Sara had a hard time believing this too, but Lisa told her again that she'd heard it straight from the teacher.
So. That's where it stands, at the moment.
On Monday, Lisa and her husband met with Sara's teacher, the principal, and the school social worker.
They assured Sara's parents right away that they had met with Adam's mother (she's a single mom) and that she was very willing to work with them to correct the problem.
They had met with Adam and he had admitted to what he had done and was remorseful. They had shown him, using a doll, what types of touching were considered to be "inappropriate" and made it clear that he would be "in trouble" if he engaged in any such behavior again.
The teacher had instituted a red/green "Stop/Go" sign on the bathroom door, to use as a signal for when the classroom bathroom was occupied. She had talked with the students about the concept of "privacy" and made it clear that students were to "give each other privacy" when they were in the bathroom. Only one student will be allowed in the bathroom at any time. Now that all students are potty-trained this rule will be easier to enforce.
Lisa and her husband will work with Sara at home to help her feel comfortable shouting "NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! I DON'T LIKE THAT!" if anyone touches her in a way she doesn't like. Her teachers will reassure her that she will not be reprimanded for using her words to defend herself. She may go to her teachers at any time to ask for help and will not be reprimanded for interrupting them. The school social worker will also talk with Sara to reinforce these messages.
The teacher feels that Adam is not being abused at home; she knows him to be a very physical, outgoing, curious child who struggles with poor impulse control.
After the meeting, Lisa called the National Child Abuse hotline, to get their perspective. The woman she talked to there assured her that Lisa and her husband were doing all the right things, and gave her some additional book titles of things they can read to Sara to reinforce the messages. She also suggested some other things they could request from the school:
* that Adam be moved to another preschool classroom
* that Adam be required to undergo therapy to address the inappropriate behavior, regardless of whether or not it was caused by poor impulse control.
* if Adam is not moved to another classroom, that he and Sara be kept apart at all times, and certainly that he be kept from touching her.
* they could encourage Sara to stay away from Adam and to report him to the teacher if he will not stay away from her.
* they could band together with other parents in the classroom as it is likely that Sara is not the only one with whom Adam has behaved inappropriately.
Lisa decided to talk to the teacher and possibly the principal today to let them know that if Sara and Adam are to be kept in the same classroom, then they expect that every precaution will be taken to ensure that they are kept apart; furthermore, if it should happen that they do come in contact with each other at any time, then they want to be informed of such contact in writing. If it is not possible for the teachers to keep Adam and Sara apart, then they want Adam moved to another preschool classroom.
They don't want to make life harder for Adam than it has to be, nor do they want to pin a reputation on him as a "bad" or "sick" child. If they run into too much resistence with trying to get him moved, and calling DYFS doesn't help, they may simply try instead to get Sara moved, or failing that, they will pull her out.
Also -- I wasn't sure where in the update to put this -- Lisa did talk to Sara again, about privacy in the bathroom, the Red/Green sign, etc. With no prompting from Lisa, Sara said, "You mean Adam can't come in anymore?" They discussed good and bad touching, and Sara said (again, unprompted) that when Adam hugged her, he hugged too tight, and it hurt. Lisa talked about body parts that no one is allowed to touch, starting with bathing suit areas like her chest, and Sara interrupted to add "and like my bagina and my bottom like when Adam touched me in the bathroom." Lisa asked, "Adam touched your bottom?" and Sara said, "He touched me on my poopy place."
Lisa told Sara that if anybody ever touched her in a way she didn't like she should shout, "NO! I DON'T LIKE THAT! STOP TOUCHING ME!" and that she would not get in trouble for raising her voice. Incredulously: "Even though it's not polite?" Lisa assured her that her teacher had said so. She said that if such a thing happened, she should RUN to her teacher and tell her, and that she would not get in trouble for interrupting. Sara had a hard time believing this too, but Lisa told her again that she'd heard it straight from the teacher.
So. That's where it stands, at the moment.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 06:01 am (UTC)This took my breath away. So young to already think that being mannerly, being a good girl, means not complaining when someone does unpleasant things to you.
I'm glad beyond words that her parents are teaching her otherwise. I hope it sticks.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 04:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 05:48 pm (UTC)I too was struck by Sara’s saying, "Even though it's not polite?", but in a different way: It struck me as a natural consequence of children having a very different perspective from adults, and of children’s efforts to make sense of grown-ups’ expectations.
Consider:
(1) I reached for a cookie, but was told no.
(2) I was playing with a toy I really liked, and when someone else wanted it I was told to share.
(3) I didn’t want to wear a sweater, but had to anyway.
(4) I didn’t want someone to touch me on my bottom, but he did anyway.
Most adults would see #4 as being very, very different from ##1-3. But I’m not sure most three-year-olds would. Normal, appropriate parenting of a three-year-old child involves frequent touching, and as a matter of course the child will not always like how they’re being touched. (E.g. the child reaches out to pet/grab an unfamiliar dog, and is physically held back.)
Each of the four situations described above involves the child wanting something and not getting it. The child’s preference could be anywhere from mild to extremely strong for any of these things. Why would it make sense to a three-year-old that grown-ups are okay with shouting at someone for #4, even though the three-year-old has been told several times not to shout at other people for ##1-3?
Important: Nothing I say here is meant to criticize Lisa or any other person who cares for Sara. My comments here basically reflect my observations of children and parenting in general.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 09:39 pm (UTC)Kids tend to apply the things we teach them in ways we did not mean. I am pretty sure this is a universal constant. In Molly's case, it means that she is chronically undersupplied with books at school, because she is reluctant to tell the teacher that she needs to go to the library and get more.