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naomikritzerI have led a couple of writing workshops at cons; I really enjoyed doing it both times. As I was wrapping up the snark regarding my old story, I started thinking about how I would never in a million years be that degree of snarky about someone else's writing. In fact, when leading workshops, I try to discourage people from making jokes at each other's expense. It's perfectly fine to be negative and critical, but try to present it in an analytical way, rather than a harsh way or a snarky way.
"This sucked" is not analytical. "This story took my suspension of disbelief and hung it by the neck until dead" is snarky (and a line used in rejection letters by the late Marion Zimmer Bradley -- her choice, and fair enough, but I think it would be really mean to say that to someone's face). An analytical way to say this would be, "I didn't buy in to this story. I didn't believe in this world because of ____ and ____ and ____." Be tactful when you can; when you can't, be specific and concise. Think of things that will actually be useful to the writer, either when they're revising, or when they're writing their next piece.
So, here is what I would say to my 21-year-old self if she turned Guild Oath in for critique at a workshop.
***
First, you have a solid grasp of mechanics. That's great; a lot of people have trouble with the mechanics of sentences. Your grammar is good and your sentence construction is solid. I like some of the images in this story: the inconspicuous assassin in gray is cool, the sound of weeping in the Temple is cool. I kind of like that Maire comes back and commits the murder and doesn't experience redemption, because I expected that things would turn out cozily, and instead it's a very dark story.
However, I had several pretty big issues with the story.
First, I found myself thinking that you probably play a fair amount of RPGs, or possibly that you read a lot of a certain kind of cheesy fantasy. I'd strongly encourage you to branch out. RPG-inspired fantasy tends to be written inside kind of a mental box. A lot of the stuff in that box doesn't really make sense -- the D&D worlds don't hold up that well on close inspection. Even when things make sense, the stuff from inside this box isn't ever going to surprise your readers.
Second, I found that this story really strained my suspension of disbelief. You've set Maire up as a really cold, efficient killer, and then she immediately hesitates, even before she finds out that the priestess is her sister, and is in touch with the goddess and able to hand out ecstatic experiences as a gift. And then Rachaen doesn't take advantage of her opportunities to flee, and it's really not clear why. If her death is going to accomplish something, we don't see it. I also kind of wondered what the point was of having them be sisters. Shakespeare gets away with the separated twins all over everywhere so obviously it can be done, but honestly, I think it works better in comedy (which is where Shakespeare mostly used it). Unless they sent her to her sister for some particular reason (like, having a sister murder a sister inside a Temple, which is a clear desecration, will complete some powerful spell). If they're both tools for some much larger plot, I could buy into that, though then I'd really want you to do more with it than just have Maire shoot Rachaen dead. I mean, they could team up to figure out what's going on -- that could be a really fun plot.
Third, I will admit I have some issues with assassin stories generally. I find myself wondering how a guild of killers-for-hire even functions. How many killers does your average city really need? Who hires them? Just how high is the murder rate in this town, because you know, New York City had only 584 murders in 2002, and there's no way a medieval-type city is going to be anywhere NEAR as big as NYC. Are they used by organized crime to keep people in line? If she were working for the fantasy equivalent of the Yakuza, I could totally buy into that, but that's a whole organized crime organization, not just a bunch of assassins.
Anyway, I have a couple of specific suggestions, not so much to improve this story, but to improve your next story and the story after that.
First, broaden your reading. If you're currently reading series books, and you have a limited amount of time to read (and who doesn't), I'd encourage you to branch out and try a bunch of new authors. Get a sense of some of the ways that writers are surprising their readers, because a lot of what your story is missing is a sense of the unexpected.
Second, read a bunch of non-fiction. If you want to write about assassins, pick up a bunch of books about real assassins, organized crime, organized crime in the middle ages, etc. Also, pick up The Tough Guide to Fantasyland by Diana Wynne Jones. It's absolutely hilarious; it's a guide to fantasy cliches written as a travel guide to the Generic Fantasy World where a lot of fantasy is set.
Third, I disagree with the idea that in order to write a single short story you have to know EVERYTHING about the world right down to the materials of the socks, but when something is as important and central as an assassin's guild, I'd encourage you to think in some detail about how it works on a day-to-day level. Shake it hard and see if it holds together, at least.
Fourth, keep writing. I think you have potential as a writer if you keep working at it.
[Edited to fix the crime stats for NYC. I should not write LJ posts this late at night, apparently.]
"This sucked" is not analytical. "This story took my suspension of disbelief and hung it by the neck until dead" is snarky (and a line used in rejection letters by the late Marion Zimmer Bradley -- her choice, and fair enough, but I think it would be really mean to say that to someone's face). An analytical way to say this would be, "I didn't buy in to this story. I didn't believe in this world because of ____ and ____ and ____." Be tactful when you can; when you can't, be specific and concise. Think of things that will actually be useful to the writer, either when they're revising, or when they're writing their next piece.
So, here is what I would say to my 21-year-old self if she turned Guild Oath in for critique at a workshop.
***
First, you have a solid grasp of mechanics. That's great; a lot of people have trouble with the mechanics of sentences. Your grammar is good and your sentence construction is solid. I like some of the images in this story: the inconspicuous assassin in gray is cool, the sound of weeping in the Temple is cool. I kind of like that Maire comes back and commits the murder and doesn't experience redemption, because I expected that things would turn out cozily, and instead it's a very dark story.
However, I had several pretty big issues with the story.
First, I found myself thinking that you probably play a fair amount of RPGs, or possibly that you read a lot of a certain kind of cheesy fantasy. I'd strongly encourage you to branch out. RPG-inspired fantasy tends to be written inside kind of a mental box. A lot of the stuff in that box doesn't really make sense -- the D&D worlds don't hold up that well on close inspection. Even when things make sense, the stuff from inside this box isn't ever going to surprise your readers.
Second, I found that this story really strained my suspension of disbelief. You've set Maire up as a really cold, efficient killer, and then she immediately hesitates, even before she finds out that the priestess is her sister, and is in touch with the goddess and able to hand out ecstatic experiences as a gift. And then Rachaen doesn't take advantage of her opportunities to flee, and it's really not clear why. If her death is going to accomplish something, we don't see it. I also kind of wondered what the point was of having them be sisters. Shakespeare gets away with the separated twins all over everywhere so obviously it can be done, but honestly, I think it works better in comedy (which is where Shakespeare mostly used it). Unless they sent her to her sister for some particular reason (like, having a sister murder a sister inside a Temple, which is a clear desecration, will complete some powerful spell). If they're both tools for some much larger plot, I could buy into that, though then I'd really want you to do more with it than just have Maire shoot Rachaen dead. I mean, they could team up to figure out what's going on -- that could be a really fun plot.
Third, I will admit I have some issues with assassin stories generally. I find myself wondering how a guild of killers-for-hire even functions. How many killers does your average city really need? Who hires them? Just how high is the murder rate in this town, because you know, New York City had only 584 murders in 2002, and there's no way a medieval-type city is going to be anywhere NEAR as big as NYC. Are they used by organized crime to keep people in line? If she were working for the fantasy equivalent of the Yakuza, I could totally buy into that, but that's a whole organized crime organization, not just a bunch of assassins.
Anyway, I have a couple of specific suggestions, not so much to improve this story, but to improve your next story and the story after that.
First, broaden your reading. If you're currently reading series books, and you have a limited amount of time to read (and who doesn't), I'd encourage you to branch out and try a bunch of new authors. Get a sense of some of the ways that writers are surprising their readers, because a lot of what your story is missing is a sense of the unexpected.
Second, read a bunch of non-fiction. If you want to write about assassins, pick up a bunch of books about real assassins, organized crime, organized crime in the middle ages, etc. Also, pick up The Tough Guide to Fantasyland by Diana Wynne Jones. It's absolutely hilarious; it's a guide to fantasy cliches written as a travel guide to the Generic Fantasy World where a lot of fantasy is set.
Third, I disagree with the idea that in order to write a single short story you have to know EVERYTHING about the world right down to the materials of the socks, but when something is as important and central as an assassin's guild, I'd encourage you to think in some detail about how it works on a day-to-day level. Shake it hard and see if it holds together, at least.
Fourth, keep writing. I think you have potential as a writer if you keep working at it.
[Edited to fix the crime stats for NYC. I should not write LJ posts this late at night, apparently.]
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